It's been a while. I came back from Hawaii and transitioned into managing Pure Barre. I’ve been doing some soul searching trying to find myself stable and trying to find a good cry somewhere within. It seems easy, but I found myself sleeping all day on Sundays, shopping obsessively and eating way to much or not eating at all. I call this imbalance and I'm only myself when I am balanced and even though I knew I was off, I needed a couple weeks to get grounded again. Change, although exciting and desired, always takes a minute to get used to something new. Anyway, I'm here... alive... inspired... and embracing it "all." 

Every day I learn something new about myself and NYC has made me realize how straight forward of a person I am. I don't think I knew this, or maybe I have become this. The people I have worked with in NYC pointed this out to me. I don't sugar coat anything and just say it... for what it is and that's that. Part of it is me just being open minded and part of it is just how I am. It doesn't make me a mean person, but it does make me an honest person. If I'm lying I can't keep a straight face and my pitch will, without a doubt, go up. Or I'll bust out laughing. Not that I lie. haha. 

My job requires me to be a certain someone. In a lot of ways I use Beyonce's method of creating a character (her's being Sasha Feirce) when I teach my classes. I want to exude confidence, strength, peace and passion to my clients and I want to motivate them.  In pure barre I am "to the point" and want to push my clients mentally and physically, I want them to go outside their head for 55 minutes and just be present. There is nothing more beautiful than that. I probably come off as drill sergeant. The co-owner referred to my classes as "no non-sense." Even my lulu managers used to say "Uh oh... Here comes Keni with her whips!!!" haha. Again, I promise I'm not mean. But it goes to show you that I don't take shit and I don't want anyone in my life to take shit either! lol I just want everything to be... (but I don't want Romney to be President!!). I went out the other night and was asking this door guy where something was, and the guy called me the devil because I didn't crack a smile or try to flirt. A fellow co-worker stepped in and got the information we needed, but it makes me laugh out loud when I think about my approach to things. Revamp? Ha.

I got a tweet one day from a PB client sending her two favorite instructors in the city  a great article and I wanted to cry (well, the highest level of emotion I can reach right before crying). NYC has some of the most amazing instructors in the world and for me to impact someone, is literally a dream come true. It is exactly the reason I do what I do and want to do more. She read my blog and liked how she could relate to it (being a 20-something year-old female in the city too), she said a lot of other sweet things too and I just wanted to share how it's insane how one person can change your whole perspective. After reading her email, I felt something ignite again. I refer to this a lot, but it's an adrenaline rush and it's the exact feeling that has gotten me where I am today. Without the fire, I wouldn't be me. 

A couple weeks ago, I went to Florida for Lori’s sisters wedding. Mandy came to visit a couple weeks before and we hung out in the city. She and Lori are the same person, but Mandy is the sweeter version. I had so much fun laughing with her and going out in the city. Lori had left me for three weeks to go to Florida, so Mandy and I really got some quality time in. She is a trooper. She dealt with me for a week of my non-sense (my cynicism in love and marriage, life and men) and we really bonded. Her wedding in Jacksonville, Fl was so fun and beautiful and I am so happy for her and her husband!

The city is currently preparing for “hurricane” Sandy. The grocery stores were riots filled with crazy moms and cautious adults preparing for the “worst.” That would have been me, two years ago. Instead, I bought some triscuits, tortellini and made taco soup today. I don’t like to get carried away with preparation any more. In reality, nothing can prepare you for what life throws sometimes, so it’s better I stay adaptable and easy going.

Halloween is this Wednesday and so the weekend was filled with lots of fun events. Lori and I dressed as the white and black swan (her being the white because her skin is paler?? And me being the black swan because my skin is darker (and I’m just darker of a person than her??)) lol. It was just how it was going to be, and I didn’t question the whys. I like black better any way.  Needless to say my last three nights were insane!

I pulled a 19-year old move and got 3-hours of sleep on Thursday making my Friday a bit delirious. I taught the early PB class and worked all day. Lori came to the west side and we had lunch at Rosa Mexicano and bought tutu’s for our costumes. I celebrated my friend’s birthday Friday night and Lori hosted us a table with her new job. We left the club after spending 20 minutes in the bathroom trying to escape a stalker and Lori and I found ourselves seated in the patio area of a closed restaurant and when the conversation started getting dark and depressed, with the need to make needy phone calls, I said, “Let’s go home!”

Lori had made me take the subway home (it only took us an hour and half), but my feet were in so much pain, and I was walking so slow, Lori said it was a good thing she was with me because everyone kept looking at me like I was a prey! LoL (Had I been alone I would have taken a cab!)

Lori made me switch her shoes so I could move at a tortoise pace rather than a mangled snail. It was really sweet of her and she’s my best friend because she sacrificed for me! She was trying to be thrifty and refused to split the cab, and I had already paid for the cab downtown, so I just went along. We finally made it home and her friend was waiting for us at the apartment. They stayed up and I went to bed. I slept a lot of my Saturday away. Not because I partied too hard, but because I didn’t really have anything else to do and I was healing from my subway walk of death!

My third nap was the final straw and when I woke up at 6 p.m. I decided it was time I get my costume together. Hahaha. I did go to the store Saturday, clean a little, walked around some, thought about working out several times, so it wasn’t a total waste.

Lori got home from work and we got ready with her friend who was visiting. We had a lot of fun dancing and laughing Saturday in costume and character. The white and black swan was a hit and we developed a bit of a fan club. We went home after I was denied access into a bar because of my “sassy” behavior. LoL. It was my bedtime!!!

When we got uptown, I washed my face and went straight to bed. Lori’s friend, who was staying with us wanted food and because all I had was triscuits and uncooked pasta, I told them to call our Pizza place.

Lori and I have this pizza place a couple blocks away that we end up at a lot when we have a late night. We have made friends with Hassan, one of the guys, who loves us because we come in and cause a ruckus in this tiny pizza shop at random hours (day light ones included- in fact, we ate there before we went out!!!) Hassan had me believing he was a twin once and I talked smack about Hassan thinking it was Sam, his “twin,” but found out later there’s no twin and what really happened was I talked smack about Hassan to Hassan! Haha. He still loves us and they happened to be open when we got home. Lori made the call and said something like “Hassan, you’re going to deliver us the pizza and throw in some garlic knots for free!” hahaha. He delivered the pizza  (with garlic knots) himself and hung out with us for a while. I was half way asleep and they stayed up talking about Morocco and career decisions. I passed out after he asked us to name the first university in the world (random 4 a.m. convo). This sounds so shady and irresponsible, and I promise it’s just how it sounds. He’s a really nice sweet guy, hard worker at this pizza place, whose married with five-kids, who is maybe pushing 30. That doesn’t help does it?

Anyway, eventful weekend as it was, I’m taking today and chilling out. I made taco soup this morning and cleaned the apartment. Lori went to work and I’ve been enjoying the quiet. Subways are closing, schools are cancelling, work may or may not be cancelled, but there’s only one way to get to work (cabs), so I don’t know. Everything, as usual, is up in the air. :)

Much love from the city. Xoxoxo.

Game Changers.

This is probably a lululemon term, a nyc term, I can’t quite recall why it’s been coming up for me. It’s probably just a term that speaks to me because that’s what life has felt like this past year; one big game changer.  Urban dictionary has quite a few interesting definitions, totally inappropriate, and not quite fitting for how I understand it. I see it as an event, a person, a noun if you will, that changes ones perspective, a total different view of the world, a complete alteration of ones way of being.

Hopefully you’ve missed the blog a little, that means my writing career is still in progress. Feeling weird about life. A lot of upcoming changes in my career, and when there’s change I get a little freaked out. “Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.” So true and in feeling insecure about unknowns, I have to give up feeling like I have everything under control. Let’s face it… I have no control, only choices and this is something I re-learn everyday. I love change because I love to adapt, it’s a challenge, but at the same time, it’s scary as #%@.

I think I may feel most inspired to write when I’m feeling weird, more emotional about silly things. Which is all a bit strange because I’m usually unemotional. It’s been a joke with Lori how it’s not impossible for me to cry. I don’t cry in movies anymore, I don’t cry for personal reasons, I don’t get upset and I feel very detached but loved and still loving. Is this normal?

I have been working a lot (not sure this will ever change), but have found myself more stable and capable to go out and enjoy life a little more. Those interview questions I talked about from the blog before really opened my eyes to how the people I love saw me. A lot of the answers were synonym related and it was really interesting to see. Some of them were funny responses, others were game changers, and some surprised me. The question, what do you wish for me in the next three years, Lori replied that she wished I would relax and have more fun. She said, “You’re so disciplined and work hard, I’d like to see you find a balance with more fun.” I took this on and stopped using I need to sleep as reasons not to go out. Instead I just use the,  “I’m so tired” excuse to justify my silly and or sluggish behavior the next day.

My dad’s response to the question when am I most inspired was, “when the light first comes on, something clicks and when you’ve figured it out, that’s when you’re like okay, I can do this.” Lori said when I meet new people that I like, I’m inspired by what they do or what they have accomplished because I think, “Oh, if they can I can.”

My mom found my persistence, the most challenging thing about me, because I don’t let things go. This is true because when I want something, I don’t stop till I get it. Kolter said, “You’re kind of challenging in general.” Katrine’s response to the question was, “you require people to be honest with themselves. You don’t surface, you dig in and pull it out, and that’s challenging.” I think she meant I don’t let people lie to themselves. I open the space for people to admit things, and make the choice to change or not. A friend from work says, “If you don’t like how something is, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you feel about it.” That quote changed my life and Katrine’s response really impacted me.

What do you most appreciate about me? Josh said, “non-judgmental, understanding, driven.” Across the board I received open minded, helpful, honest, kind, and inspiring. These are traits I don’t see in myself and for people to see these things is a really deep breath kind of moment. An outside perspective can really put things in perspective, even change a perspective.  

What is the one thing you believe I could master in my lifetime? My parents want me to master being content. This was deep for me. I like to think I'm always content, secretly I'm anxious for more.

This made me realize how unsettled I always feel. That’s hard to admit. I’m clearly working towards something in my life… I’m searching for something and although my goals are there and I have a vision for what I want… I think I’m missing something. WE all know what it is. But I'm in denial and I think I just need a therapist. First, I need great insurance, then a therapist that takes my great insurance. Then I need to travel to Italy. Save some babies, end human trafficking and be a billionaire. Those are game changers! ha.

Recent game changers…. spotify has changed my life. Nicki Minaj’s Pink Friday album, even a year later is still one of my favorite records! Baby wash with shea and coco butter, Kiehls, TRX-Extra at 6:10 in the morning, Pure Barre clients who have amazing words of kindness, signing a second year lease in NYC, deciding to build something here and not worry about where to go next, Smooth Move Tea, and the Hamptons (I’ve been nannying Thursday-Saturday in South Hampton and everything I can take in from the amazing architecture and design of the house itself, to the chef and her techniques and recipes, to the amazing washer and dryers (I’m obsessed with clean clothes) to the pay check on Saturdays, it’s been an incredible experience and it’s been exactly what I’ve needed). It might be giving me a false sense of reality, but hey, if this family can literally have it all, I can too! Haha.

I have a 26th birthday coming up this Saturday. Saturday birthdays are the best, and my last one was my 19th birthday…and…. I remember nothing about it… So clearly it wasn’t memorable and this is why I am making this ridiculous meaningless number a shebang!  I got a table a fun dance club in the lower east side, Katrine and Brian are coming to visit, I invited lulu's, pb's, friends, friends of friends, all my loves on all levels, and I plan on dancing all night with beautiful people and having a small intimate dinner at my favorite restaurant, Fiat Café in SoHo right before the dance party begins.

26… wow. Mom and Dad do you feel incredibly old or what? Haha. I don’t feel old, that’s all that matters. As long as I keep getting carded, assumed I’m 22 rather than 30 by any human, I’m good!

Lots of love from the city. Xoxo.

I was walking through the park yesterday to teach Pure Barre and as I took a photograph of central park I inhaled the sweet summer air of this amazing city and thought, "Holy Shit..."

Lori and moved July 2, 2011 and reflecting on how far we have come, how fast the time has passed, and all the things we are still working on is both scary and rewarding.

So much has happened, like always, since the last post. I'm still running around with my head cut off and I'm still happy doing it. I realized the other day that I haven't been in a bad mood since I've moved to NYC. And this is coming from a girl who was emotional, moody, hot and cold, laughing then crying, and all around a bit of a mess. Now, don't get me wrong, I've been upset, I've been annoyed, I've been grumpy (due to hunger I'm sure), but I haven't felt loads of negative energy. I've been conducting interviews with people (there are 5 on my list) for work. It's a series of questions about me, to get an outside perspective on myself. It's opened many doors for thoughts and change and I'm certain by the next post, I'll be writing about my observations. It made me realize how much I have changed in my way of thinking, who I am, who I aspire to be and my next direction.

I was promoted at lulu and taking on a leadership role has been extremely exciting. I'm really thrilled for the opportunity for the growth, challenge and experience. My team has been super supportive and I work with the best people in the world! One of my opening meetings this past week I had a quote, "Never mind searching for who you are, search for the person you aspire to be." I love this because I've been shifting my goals and focusing on the next steps in my life and the quote helped put into perspective that I am who I am, and who I want to be doesn't have to be in the future, it can just be right now!

So with that said, I am enrolling all of you in my current goals. I am going to get TRX certified and personal training certified. I am on this fitness and health career path and for the first time ever, I have no doubt that this is what I am meant to do right now. I'm still in love with Pure Barre and I'm making friends with clients left and right and loving them for all of their hard work and dedication. I see myself in many of them and it's very inspiring to watch their commitment.

I am also taking on a summer nanny job in the Hamptons Thursday-Saturday. I'll be in the city to work at lulu part-time and teach Pure Barre Sunday-Wednesday. It will be busy and crazy and I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing.

My cousin had her precious baby girl Madelynn Jo and I'm so excited for her. I can't wait to meet her later this year (UGH- maybe sooner if I'm lucky). it's so beautiful to watch my family expand and see the people I love most happy! I miss my KY people very much and although I talk about how amazing NYC is, KY will always be the most special!

I can't wait to write more about whats going on, what's changing, what's challenging, the new people in my life, the VIP people in my life and whatever food related topics I have in my head.

Much love from the city... xoxoxo :)

I spent my Friday, Saturday and Sunday attending Landmark Forum. Yep, all day. 9 a.m to 10 p.m. It sounds intense and it was, and I discovered more about myself in those three days than I thought was possible. My intention in attending was to help me focus on my career path and communication skills. I thought I was pretty normal, I didn’t need self-help, I didn’t have a traumatic childhood, and thought it was going to be cool to learn whatever it was I was supposed to learn. However, what I got out of it was how dramatic I was (humans are) and how the power of interpretations ran my life.

I also discovered something called the squirrel diet. (can't have a blog without talking food)... I ate raw oatmeal early in the morning and then snacked A LOT on nuts and then ate one meal of my choice in the afternoon and lots of water. It was the first time in my life where I sat for a LONG period of time and didn’t stress about food. It was maybe a breakthrough. I also didn’t go to the grocery store this week, which is the first time in almost six years (except when I’m on vacation and even then I’ll end up in a store of some sorts).  I also left my room messy and overall have a more laid back approach to life. Not that I’m laid back, but I relaxed… a lot.

Ever since Lori told me about Landmark before I started working for lululemon, I’ve been pumped for the great results that people raved about. Lululemon sent me this past weekend and it was such an incredible experience. I don’t want to make this seem like “YOU HAVE TO REGISTER” nor do I want it coming off as a cult, so I’m going to give a edited version of what I learned.

There are facts and there are interpretations. Most of what humans think, say, feel, believe, its all interpretations for how they perceive life. Facts are facts, true events to what happened. I realized I created all kinds of stories about who I was based on experiences and things that happened in my life. Landmark called these stories…rackets. I uncovered my rackets… they were… I cared what people thought, I always had to be right, I had to be in control, love doesn’t exist, I’ll never get married, men are untrustworthy, I am not good enough, I don’t deserve good things. I wont get into details of the back stories of how I created these silly rackets, but basically I learned that because of what happened in my past I was using those interpretations to dictate the present which really had impending doom to my future.

My main breakthrough had a lot to deal with relationships. I had to admit I was being unauthentic for a really long time. Do you have any idea how hard it is to admit your wrong? And admit in having NO integrity for a long period of time. It was hard, but I did it. I had always thought I was a good person and not that I’m a bad person, but living life without authenticity really created a mess and made me make up stories for the way life was, had to be, who I was and who I had to be.  Living a life with integrity creates clear open space for possibility.

I made phone calls and admitted a lot of things to people that were holding me back from living an authentic life with integrity. Integrity doesn’t necessarily mean just being honest; it’s about not hiding from things. Your willingness to do what your say you’re going to do. Anytime there’s an aspect of your life that’s not working, life lacks integrity. It’s not whole. It’s not working and it’s enabling you from living an extraordinary life.

The conversations I had with Kolter, my mom, my friends, lifted so much weight off my shoulders. I didn’t realize how much my past decisions and interpretations on love and relationships were influencing me right now. I have been so closed off to serious relationships and through landmark I learned that life is made up of interpretations and facts and interpretations don’t mean anything. So with that, I am open to creating the possibility to have anything I want. In relationships, work, etc. Anything is possible and really understanding that concept is revolutionary not only to me… but also to the 160 people I graduated with and the hundreds of thousands of people who have taken part in landmark across the world. If the entire world could have this mindset, we’d live in peace.

I’m still working through some loose ends and conversations I need to have, and trying to apply simple concepts to my every day life to help me live a more powerful life. Landmark informed me the differences between choice and decisions. I have a choice in anything. I choose my family. I choose my friends and all the people in my life who have impacted, inspired and changed my life. I choose Keiko and Oka. I choose Lori, the best roommate and best friend in the world. I choose Pure Barre. I choose lululemon. I choose to wake up happy even if it’s at 5:30 in the morning because I just do. I choose New York City. I choose to work all the time so I can be in an amazing city and do what I love. I choose my body and even though it is a work in progress, I am going to choose it and love it. I choose to eat healthy. I choose to workout everyday. I choose my Iphone, I choose AG jeans, and I choose Juice Generation… the list goes on. But basically we all have the choice. Waking up everyday and loving or hating life is a simple choice. I’m always going to choose happiness. I’m always going to choose positivity and I’m always going to choose love even if I do resist it. I understand now, that choice is power and in that, the possibilities are endless.

I’m in a good place with myself right now. I am excited and ready to take risks. I am open, I am grateful, I am so content and I am ready to create!

Much love from the most amazing city…. Xoxoxo.