One month old and so much change!

On top of her growing (getting chunkier aka more delicious), she is making more fun sounds and turning her head when she hears my voice in the room. Her neck is getting stronger, her poops are getting bigger and her expressions are making us laugh everyday. She is such a yummy baby and my heart hurts sometimes because I love her so much!

In terms of mommying... I'm learning all about the cries! As a new Mom it feels horrible not being able to make her stop crying on the spot. I thought moms were magic that way! I cannot handle hearing her cry! I know her hungry, tired and bath time cries and those I can handle. But the times she cries in between, I lose my mind.

I can't say it's colic because it's not hours on end. I know she has gas (but all babies have that) and I think she has some acid reflux, but doesn't spit up all the time. I keep her up right after feedings (which during the night, is tricky all on its own). She just seems fussy sometimes and J always reassures me, "She's just being a baby," (literally).

It's been taking her hours to go to sleep. (Is that normal???!) There are moments we're both crying at the same time (both tired, grumpy and hopeless) and it's comical writing about it now, but pretty pitiful while it's happening! 😭

Babies like movement. They don't know how to fall asleep on their own at this point so in order to get to sleep sometimes she requires a tight cuddle in our arms and signals us to move around by squirming around and fussing. Swaddling helps sometimes, but she won't stay asleep if we swaddle her, so while I still consider rock and play LIFE, she won't stay asleep longer than an hour in it lately.
Sometimes to get her to sleep, I find myself walking what feels like my 4th mile loop in our bedroom holding her in any position that makes her calm.

The other night it was some late hour, it was my third attempt to lay her down (apparently closed eyes does not mean asleep). She had a fresh diaper, full belly, a Mom holding her rocking her, but would not cave!

Her eyes were heavy, but she wouldn't close them fully shut. If I stopped moving she started crying. If I laid her down with closed eyes, she woke up immediately bright eyed with adrenaline of over tiredness looking at me like, "Oh Heyyyy!" (I think it was time for her next feeding by the time she went to sleep)!!
I've googled so much I feel like I know it all, but also like I know nothing at the same time! 😂 Clearly she has something going on because of her sleep patterns or maybe it's normal, I can't decide! I'm constantly thinking, is this punishment or is this how all newborns are? Why hasn't anyone told me about this!

I feel like a bad Mom when I can't get my own baby to sleep, and I feel even worse for feeling guilty that I'm frustrated she won't go to sleep. I feel like I'm failing when she's crying or when she stays awake longer than she should. I feel like we should be on a schedule like all the other babies. I have to remind myself she's still new, I'm new and we're trying to figure this out together.

I'm trying to savor the cuddles and holding a small precious baby, but at late night hours I'm ready to spend my savings and hire a baby nurse! 😂

Sleep deprivation is real ya'll and it makes me have all sorts of mommy insecurities! It's sooooo so so so so so so hard trying to figure this out. Mommy blogs and articles are my saving grace and worst nightmare!

For instance, "they" say to put the baby down when they are drowsy so they learn to fall asleep on their own (self soothe), but if I do that she wakes up immediately and is screaming 5 minutes later. At that point we've passed her sleep window and entered the "over tired" stage (Which sucks for both of us. There goes my shower, lunch or dinner!)!! The blogs don't tell me how to troubleshoot! They just assume that all babies falls asleep after you lay them down "drowsy."

Do l let her cry it out! Some experts say she's too young for that, others say start training from the beginning. My friends say don't worry about it, don't be hard on your self, J tells me I'm doing awesome everyday. But am I?

I have a lot of support around me and still feel alone and while I'm told this is all normal, Is this motherhood? (I'm told yes, yes it is). 😂

She won't sit in any seat or swing longer than 10 minutes. She just wants to be attached to me! It's sweet, but normal? I call the k'tan, baby jail! If she fusses during nap times I have to stick her in it. I don't eat until noon or later some days, and at some point my inner hangry takes over and I put her in the wrap. She fights me, but once she's tucked away in there she caves and falls asleep.

Nursing is getting better, but harder too. I'm learning the things I can eat that won't upset her and I think I know why moms who breastfeed lose weight! (You can't eat anything)!! As a foodie it's hard to let go of a lot of foods, but I'll do it for her! No wonder women stop nursing or don't do it at all after 6 weeks!

We also learned yesterday that she refuses bottles. So that's an obstacle we have to over come before I go back to work. Or just soon, so I can start to integrate back into society.

I guess the saying that being a mom is the toughest most rewarding job ever is true. For sleepless nights, I get her snuggling into my neck. In exchange for loud cries, I get to listen to her little baby breaths when she's calm. For tough nap times, there are wake up times when I get to pick her chunky sweetness up and kiss her until she grunts at me. I feel so lucky, proud and in love. With every new body fat roll, new expression, new milestone, I am in awe of her greatness!

Ruby is an amazing little baby who has already pushed me in becoming a stronger woman. I hope that means she will be strong too. I think overall, we are both achieving new depths and benchmarks and we're preparing each other for the next!
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Bring on the smiles! ❤️