I can’t stop a lot of things right now. From buying coffee every morning to shopping to eating sweet things once a day. I can’t stop dreaming, thinking, writing and reading. I can't stop painting my nails black (because it's sexy and classy, my favorite combination), I can’t stop falling in love (or lust- they feel the same most of the time) and my favorite, I can’t stop listening to music.
I am pretty obsessed with hip-hop right now (I named this post after a great song, Can't Stop by Theophilus Ft. Kanye West). I love the beats, the sexy vibe, the lyrics and the way I feel when I listen to it. I have created more playlists in the past year than I have my entire life. Between Spotify, SoundCloud, The Hype Machine and iTunes I have music in my ears almost 15 hours a day.
2014 is coming to an end and December is busy. I went to Miami for Art Basel and spent it with my BFF Lori and her friend Emily who entered my people circle and stole my heart. Her kindness and down to earth young spirit made me fall in love with her and I am certain had our paths not had crossed because of Lori, they would have collided in another way.
Miami was so beautiful and coming from NY winter temperatures, made me feel like I was in heaven as soon as I stepped outside the airport. We slept three deep in a bed like high schooler’s (I always had those friendships where we could sleep 3-5 deep no problem!), we played on the beautiful beaches, wandered Wynwood which is Miami’s design district, saw incredible art, met up with Lori’s friends and I even made new friends. It was simple, warm, sunny, low-key and perfect.
We didn't do all the sceney Miami spots where we would have been waiting in lines surrounded by peacocks (and real cocks for that matter) and people that would never enter my real life social circle and I unlikely in theirs. Instead we hung out with each other and people who were kind and real. We went to local spots instead of hotels and clubs and we kicked it on the beach where I had to rally and dip into the cool ocean instead of jumping in a pool (which I normally prefer). When I am the first to go under the water (hair and all) and get past the breaking waves, something is UP! My makeup free mornings, salty hair and slightly burnt skin made me a very happy lady! I love how the beach brings out a laid back side in me. It was rejuvenating, therapeutic and without question it goes down as one of my more memorable weekends of 2014..
I laughed so much and so hard I often had tears (only Lori can bring this out in me) and I felt so grateful for Emily’s hospitality and openness to share her adorable studio with us! I still believe that every person in my life has entered it for a reason. Each path that collides with mine changes me and shifts my direction. Sometimes I think it's a big shift while others are ever so slightly. Sometimes I get knocked off my path and then someone else will come along and nudge me back on. It's pretty incredible to think about.
I have come to terms with a lot of things (some are new and some are just more solid). First, my body is always a work in progress and I have been working out differently and put less focus on food. This has really helped alleviate a lot of negative energy in my life.
Second, maybe my faith in humanity has been restored. After beating the heart break sadness, depression and anger, I think my understanding about life and love has really deepened in ways I would have never experienced had I not endured a heart break. Plus, I have been single for the longest period of my life, so there’s that learning curve too. I think making it as long as I did without being hurt, was really amazing, but being on this side of a break up probably made me more human. I can relate now, I understand, I finally get it. All the love songs, movies and books, friends who cry over men… I will no longer roll my eyes anymore when someone talks about lost love. Instead, I will touch their arm, hug them, grab them, hold them and talk about how it's the WORST.
Third, I have been dating a fair amount and enjoying it with my new perspective on life and people. I am less critical and more open (but obviously still critical). Online dating is a monstrosity, and yet, I find myself opening those damn apps. Having a non-hook up mentality pretty much leads to constant disappointment. The third revelation part deux is that I have learned how to let go. The thing with online dating is that you never know what you’re going to get. Seriously! More so than not, you start talking to someone and then the convo just dies. Maybe they think I am so so (the feedback consensus is that I am better in person- which is how it should be right? But it also means my profile and photos put me into the mediocre bucket to some men). I probably lose interest with 98% of them based on the text convo, selfie or if they are trying too hard, I classify them as creepy. It could be because most men don’t have the patience for my due diligence checks (selfie, IG and FB check), they are on a sexcapade mission and know that I am NDTF or it’s because they have a bagillion other women to sort through who are DTF and that’s more appealing in the moment. Who knows?!!! I do know that making up stories gets really out of control, so I have learned to let go of those rare special 2 % ones. I’d like to think (or rather hope) that in a different light, our paths cross again. I can honestly say they had “it." And when there’s something electrifying about a person and the chemistry and connection is just on-point, it seems like such a shame to experience just a hint of something so sweet. I could easily turn it into an “it’s not fair" thing. However, instead, I let it go and remind myself that whole “it happens for a reason” thing.
Someone told me the other day that for every male there is five women! It can't be true, but there are 47% males and 53% females in the city and that's a big difference kind of sort of. Maybe that's why it's so hard! Sometimes, I wish I could have a man mentality, but I just cannot. I was programmed to love. Dating in this city teaches us not to take anything personally or serious. But what about just finding someone amazing to hang out with and taking each other serious in the most passionate, adoring, fun, loving and lovely way! I am looking for effortless in ways where conversation flows, I can’t stop smiling laughing and I have that feeling where I want to be near them so if I want to kiss them, I just can. I don't want to be afraid to say I love you or to talk about how I feel. I want to be myself and talk a lot and be able to talk about how I feel, because feelings are okay to have!! lol. #sorryboys. It's all a double edged sword. Sigh. I will continue to meet people in other realms and eventually delete these sexually aggressive apps once and for all, because deleting every other two days and reactivating out of boredom is ridiculous. I have met some really cool guys which always makes for less entertaining stories, but makes me feel really happy that there are good men in this city; a few any way..
Fourth, I realized that from this point on, I have the ability to love someone else other than myself. Before, I was always loving the wrong people to avoid loving myself. I have loved people from my past, but we always hit walls, and the wall was always me. I was unsettled with who I was, where I was and the direction I was heading. It was always about me, not them, and I was notorious for making it about them and not me. I took rejection as a reflection on myself and it’s just not the best way to look at things. The most important realization is that I know I have the capacity to love. Underneath that intimidating, serious, miss bossy shell, I have a big heart, a kind heart, a giving one and the right person will see beyond my physical energy.
I have taken an incredible journey to discover all of this and I wouldn't trade it for anything! When the right person (s) comes along whose open and wants the same things, my world will in fact get all tangled up in the most beautiful way. I am not seeking that collision, but I am projecting it. Fifth, I want kids one day. #stillyearsaway. Marriage doesn't have to coincide, but I think it’s going to be a really cool experience to create and impact someone in ways that all the people in my life impacted me. My parents, my mom specifically, my aunts, my grandparents, my brother, my cousins, my friends, my neighbors and childhood BFF and her family, all those incredible people shaped me. I find that really fascinating. Family dynamic is so different for everyone and I love being in the middle of it. I love adults and conversing with them. I love children because they are so funny and so innocent. I value experience over youth, but I admire the youth’s mentality. Family time is precious. I want to create my own little tribe and travel and make traditions and be a cool little tribe. I will have a pretty nontraditional family and life, but everything about it will be warm and loving!
Sixth, I discovered or rather clarified, that I am an extrovert. People in fact recharge me. I have been thinking I was an introvert lately because Lori keeps telling me I am and because I have been spending more time at home. But the truth is, I am not. I like to be alone sometimes, but I find that connecting with people makes me happy. I am invigorated with a great conversation and time with people I adore. Winter puts me in hibernation mode, so home sounds more appealing sometimes rather than venturing out in the cold. I also know I like to create experiences for people. Planning all my work Holiday events made me really happy. It’s part of the reason I am creating Sko There. I want to create a space where women can experience something uplifting, powerful and fun!
Seventh, my female friends are absolute gems. They support me through everything. There’s something very unique about friendships and there’s a true distinction with female friendships and male friendships. Women just get it. They understand how hard it is to be emotional, crazy, manic, you at your worst and you at your best. That’s pretty priceless.
I created a word, bashic. It stands for bat shit crazy and it came about when I was in fact being bashic. I could feel myself spiraling out of control with emotional non-sense and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it but go home and read. I had to put myself to bed or I was going to get into trouble. I have been writing a lot and not publishing much, but the ideas are there.
I observe a lot and focus on a lot of ST work. Sunday’s have become my favorite day. My do what I want day. I like to think of it as my non-sexy day. Every day of the week is sexy otherwise, with work, workouts, dinners, dates and social debauchery. I am always decked out, always on my game, and always prepared. Sunday's are my day to put all of that aside and be.... non-sexy. lol. I can sleep in, work out for a couple hours, run errands, and maybe bake something for the week all in spandex or loose cotton. It’s always chill and never planned. Most people dred Sunday’s and I have always loved them. Growing up, everyone was always home, it was a very family oriented chill day. I used to have family dinners on Sundays and would help my mom prep that. In college I carried that tradition with me and even after I graduated and it became my “family dinner” day where we would host and I would make a grand meal for friends. In New York, when I was in a relationship it was Football Sunday / Sunday funday where it became more of a social drinking time than some Saturday nights. Now, it’s just a day for me to get my shit together and prep for the week in whichever way I see fit. It’s a little glorious.
Eighth point, I also decided that there needs to be a something like maternity leave for “any year olds” who need to take a break and take care of themselves. It could also be termed sabbatical (the appropriate term), but I think businesses should really promote it for their employees. What about that stage in our lives where we just need a break and want the safety to be able to come back to work after a couple months of traveling or doing something for ourselves. Why does it take a baby to get that time?! I guess retirement is what we all live for, but that seems so absurd to wait and travel when we are old and our bodies aren't 100% just because we have money then. Now is the time and there is no time! Sometimes I really fantasize about being so simple that I can just pack up and backpack Europe and Asia and meet people. But then I'm like, oh wait, I love bath time every night, fancy food and boutique hotels. There's a happy median, a balance, I'll have to give up something in order to take something else. It will work out. I will do all my traveling. It might just be intermittent over a 10-year span instead of a short time of three months. Plus, I guess I will get to experience traveling with different people, being in different places in my life emotionally and physically. It will all unfold.
Ninth, I am a unique energy like everyone else, and I feel really strong about ensuring that my energy stays positive, inspired, pure and energetic. I want to get tangled in people who have some kind of similar vibration as mine. Humor, compassion, passion, honesty, family values, friendship values and of course, a good time! I adore all of my friends. I have a few different social circles. They are each very different, but equally translucent. I have so much fun with them. In a couple groups, I lack the history they have with each other within the circles, but like all great relationships, it gets better with time.
I am into this “fuck yes” mentality and using it as a great way to judge how I feel about things. If it’s not a fuck yes, it’s a no. If it’s a maybe or I am doubtful in anyway, I am just not going to do it. I refuse to be uncomfortable! This is my newest mantra! I refuse to be around people that I cannot be myself around, who I can’t say what I want when I want it. I refuse to hang out with awkward people, or with people who make me feel awkward. I won't go to weird places and spend any more time feeling like I’d rather be somewhere else. Perhaps I have grown up. Maybe I have hit that pivotal moment in my life, where I don’t care what people think anymore. I mean, I still care, but I have accepted things, people and most importantly myself.
There’s a clothing brand called "spiritual gangster" and it’s one of my favorites because it encompasses everything I am right now. I have been doing so much spiritual soul searching and have really discovered so many things. My personal development is going deep and I am about to push it even further upcoming. 2014 has been my most incredible year to date for so many reasons. I am grateful for everyone who took part in my journey and who are still very much either parallel to my path or intertwined in my path. Here’s to 2015… to all the opportunities and experiences that lay ahead, to the friends I will make, the friends I will keep, the adventures I'll take, the emotions I'll ensue, and most importantly to the next season of Game of Thrones. Here’s to all the good kissers and to those rare great kissers and let’s not toast to those who are neither!! Here’s to the unknown, the known and to all the things I can’t stop and to all the things I will stop.
Much love XO