When I sit still and reflect on my 2014 summer, I am bewildered, amazed, struck by adornment, stuck in love and absolutely certain that I just experienced the best time of my life.
I was busy, active, in love, at peace and surrounded by incredible people who inspired me, motivated me and made me want to be bigger and do better things! It wasn't flawless, it wasn't all the time happy, but it was an amazing series of waves that really captivated how I have always dreamed of living.
I crashed hard on the heart break, the mini heart break, the rejection, the guilt, the lonely, the sad, the let downs, the disappointments, the angry, the frustrated, the debbie downer and fuck you life waves.
I rode the happy, excited, adrenaline, heart pumping, in the moment, there's a hot guy, perfect kiss, perfect hug, perfect date, perfect dinner, best night dancing, I think I love you, I think I need you, I’m so over you waves! I rode the Hamptons, the beach, sun tans, BBQ’s, a helicopter ride, a sail boat race, birthdays, rooftops, new friends, old friends, best friends, charity events, cute outfits, sexy dresses, yummy food, sunrise walks, sunset walks, ice cream, and concert waves. And let's not forget all of the connections, the rare chemical reactions, learning new things, reading great books and stories, meeting new people and all of the incredible conversations that made me laugh and all of the deep life chats that often made me want to cry waves that I rode, over and over and over again.
I can't say I don't want more or that I wouldn't take more change, but for what it's worth, I know without a doubt, that I am going to be just fine “with or with you.” I don’t feel like I need someone to fulfill me and for the first time in my life I know that no matter what, everything will be okay.
I think it’s taken a six year long relationship, dating seriously and not, being single and having amazing friends to help me really understand that. What I have learned over the past seven months is invaluable. I wouldn't change anything that has happened because everything in life is a stepping stone to get to the next place. I would love for some things to stay the same, but that goes against my natural tendency that seeks change.
I am happy, content and in a really strong place. I stopped dating stupid boys and now channel my energy into meeting great men! I say yes to invitations and spontaneity, and I am living in all realms of possibility. I like the idea that there's someone out there I could spend a lot of time with traveling, laughing, doing non-sense and having a lot of fun with. I just don't think it's the end all be all.
My friend was telling me a story the other day and she said one of the most powerful things I have ever heard. She was telling me a dating story that ended undesirably and she said, “You only have to tell me once that you don’t want me.” I have been repeating it over in my head for days, because the idea is so applicable in my life. The meaning is so obvious, so simple and not how I was approaching situations. Hearing this changed everything about everything for me.
"Rejection" is hard to handle. Someone not choosing you is difficult no matter how strong you are. In truth why do any of us dwell on people who have ever made us feel inadequate. Anyone who can put us in a negative space is a red flag! A person's character is everything! At my age, if there's a question of character, there's an issue. My BFF said, "One doesn't accidentally get values." I love that she said this, because it's true. Our values and our morals are what makes us who we are. If someone doesn't value the same things, in my case, honesty, transparency, love and family, it's never going to work.
With everything I have learned from friends, life lessons and experiences, I am going to take the transition into fall with my new mindset and let the leaves change colors. I will embrace it getting cooler, enjoy crossing my arms in big sweaters and black jeans and love every second of the best season of the year.
I have an incredible life, and while sometimes I deny it, other times I take a moment and appreciate everything that has happened. I am constantly reminded to be thankful. I am not sure how or why, and I am not sure it even matters any more, but my life, this path I am on, is where I am supposed to be. I can’t control the madness happening around the world, but I can certainly make small impacts and just live in gratitude and make the world a better place by creating new things, learning, teaching and by being a good person.
I am going to start a business. It’s a tech start up, a social network and to raise money, I have a small creative project I am going to do with my artist friend. I am scared, I am nervous, but I am passionate and driven. When I have those four things, I am usually unstoppable.
I am occupied, busy, well fed, healthy, loved, loving more than ever and so grateful for all of the amazing people who I have crossed paths with this year. With every passing day, (I certainly hope it’s not true that all good things must come to an end), I will continue to write and share all my moments, some good and some bad, some happy and some sad. Life is a series of waves. No matter how high or low, big or small, no matter how strong or intense it gets, no matter what side of the world I end up on, what body of water I end up in, how messy my hair gets, or how crazy and silly I feel, it will be the journey, the experiences, the memories, everything I learned, and everyone who impacted me, changed me and taught me something that I will cherish the most!
Much love and lots of XO,
When I sit still and reflect on my 2014 summer, I am bewildered, amazed, struck by adornment, stuck in love and absolutely certain that I just experienced the best time of my life.
4th of July! I spent the day solo, cooking and reading. It was the first time I have ever done that on a Holiday. I was freaked out and a little sad. I am used to being with family or friends. I am used to lots of food and noise. I made food for an army and wandered around. It wasn't the best day of my life, but it was certainly another impactful day. Next year, I will be sure to make plans. haha!
I didn't have plans on my actual birthday because I had dinner plans a few nights after with my girlfriends. Samantha is one of my newest most special friends and told me I could not be alone on my birthday. She made a reservation at my favorite place, ABC Kitchen, and she and her mom took my out and we enjoyed a fabulous dinner! I love her!!!
My birthday dinner with my babes!! I was really celebrating each of them and how thankful I was for each of them. I brought little hand soaps as party favors and I wanted it to be my token of appreciation! I feel so grateful for each of them! We all have a unique story. They are each so inspiring, amazing and I am in love with all of them!
I just experienced one of my most memorable moments in NYC. It was the kind of night that I knew would be cool, but didn't know it would turn out to be the kind of night that would trump.
I was searching for events for the weekends I would be in the city and stumbled upon a gilt city offering for a pop up dinner in Brooklyn. What's not to love about everyone wearing white, bringing their own decorations and food/drinks and enjoying dinner and music on a beautiful summer night (tables and chairs provided)?
So, I invited friends who I knew would be down to go and we got it together and pulled it off. Not only was the weather stunning, but the food was wonderful and having the happy energy from everyone who participated made me realize how lucky I am to be where I am. It was a mini escape from the typical New York scene, and I loved every second. It was super laid back and everyone was so happy!!! I went to a new area today, fell in LOVE with the beautiful Prospect Park, ate amazing food like it was Thanksgiving, felt warmth and genuine hospitality like I would in Kentucky, and enjoyed being in the moment with very special people. #gratitude
I felt really happy and peaceful being surrounded by happy people. There was not belligerent drunk red necks, zombie walking with their eyes rolling back into their heads, like you’d find in the infield during the Kentucky Derby or Bonaroo. Everyone had a peaceful, playful, let’s jam demeanor. I took a lot of photos that really captured how I felt. With the music in the background it was really powerful to be surrounded by all the beauty and creativity.
Tone House, is the hardest class I've ever taken in my life. I am not sure I belong at a place like this, and because I have this little bit of self-masochistic behavior I want to go back.... but I fear it! I think if I kept going I would be ripped in a cute girly way of course, but can I commit to feeling like I want to vomit and pass out and die after 10 minutes of the warm up???
We use idioms everyday. One of my favorite idioms is, "once and for all." It means finally, the last time, conclusively and absolutely. I often use this idiom as a joke, something useful in a sarcastic funny voice or sometimes it helps when telling a silly story. However, when I was journaling recently (yeah, I'm that lady who still journals with Sarah Jessica Parker as my voice commentary), I wrote once and for all down as a serious statement.
"This is it, once and for all." I meant that FINALLY, I was over something, that whatever I was thinking about was never going to happen again!
I was making my mind up saying it was the final straw, the end, forever. I was making things black and white forgetting that the millions of shades in between existed. As I took a few days to think and process what I was feeling, I realized that I was saying this seriously because I was protecting myself from feeling anything. I was vulnerable. One of the most intense feelings I know and I was freaking out, or not which is equally strange.
My favorite Ted Talks is, Brene Brown's, The Power of Vulnerability. She has a great voice, she's witty and funny and everything she says is so powerful. I recommend you listen to the entire thing, but this is what really resonated with me.
We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability. And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause -- we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.(Laughter) I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God. (Laughter) You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn't just have to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up. That's it. Just certain. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There's no discourse anymore. There's no conversation. There's just blame. You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort. We perfect. If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, but it doesn't work. Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks. (Laughter) Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow."
My mind repeats two ideas. One that we try and make uncertain things certain, and second, how we numb ourselves as our defense mechanism. I guess to a tee (another great idiom), I realized that I am the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life and that I often try and numb that emotion. However, when I do that I am also blocking all of the other good stuff, which is what was making me feel really off balance and crazy.
Okay, I know I choose to live in this city, but it's not easy and I live here because it's challenging and rewarding. I fell in love with New York at 14 and idolized this place as the best city in the world for years! I still do. I used to fantasize about running in central park, walking the streets (I even wrote and recorded a song about it), going to fabulous dinners with girl friends, and dating gorgeous successful mean in suits! Now, at 27, all my dreams have come and I can call this place my home. It is the city that has taught me about me, life, love, hate, success and failure. It's hard, but I still do this knowing I am working towards something big! This city is raw and it brings out the best in us and or the worst, and through all the highs and lows, we NYer's pick our selves up everyday and work through the nitty gritty, negative, anxiety, the hardships, the hurt, the pain and heartbreaks because we know there's something better out there. The truth is, we all do this. All around the world, we fight, because only the strong survive and we all want to live, love and prosper. It's human nature to want more.
I made a friend recently, who told me that we all want things in life. We were talking about boys (of course) and she said, "You want a lot of things. You want tall dark and handsome, successful, smart, well dressed, someone who has a good relationship with their family, etc. But what do you need?"
I sat there and really thought about it for a few seconds. I may want all of those things, but I need someone who is real, kind, funny, family oriented, giving, passionate, empathetic, genuine and easy going. I need someone who makes me a better person and makes me feel good about myself and life. I have yet to find someone who keeps me balanced and pushes me outside my box at the same time. I refer to this person as the game changer. She also told me, that I could find someone who might not have the best hair, the best style, or the right furniture, but that I could influence them in the right direction. She said, "You can change those things, but you know what you can't change? You can't change someone's character."
I've been sitting on that for a week, processing and really thinking about people's character, mine included. Someone in my life also asked me, "You have talked about what you want, what you need, but I wonder if you ask yourself, what do you deserve?" Whoa. Three questions that have been dancing in my head for seven days! It's been a powerful week, to say the least.
Not only did I had a powerful last week, but I've had an amazing few weeks here. I have been working out like a mad woman, making friends, planning trips, going on fabulous dates with myself and wonderful people who inspire me in more ways than one. I have tried new restaurants, discovered boutiques and designers, read books, maintained my tan and most importantly felt really balanced and happy! I teeter here and there, but for the most part I feel like I am myself again and opening up and loving more than hating. Hate is a powerful word, and I tend to use it more lightly than some take it, but I just don't take things too seriously anymore!
I've really connected with a lot of new people in my life and I am genuinely excited about it. I feel a give and take or a yin and yang as my best friend Lori calls it, and I feel like I am gravitating towards the right people. I am heading in the right direction, making clear choices and working towards something in these relationships I am building. Friendships are truly priceless and over the years, I have really learned who the "good people" are because I value connection and good.
I have a busy summer planned with the Hampton's, a bachelorette party, birthday parties and NYC weekends. I am starting to plan my 2015 trip which I think might be Croatia or Thailand and of course a visit back to Costa Rica. I crave plane rides, the beach, beautiful buildings and foreign food. I crave culture, language, adrenaline, butterflies, excitement and love.
I write less because I live more. I am very present. Blogging is important to me because I love to write. However, sometimes actions speak louder than words, and I am going to keep experiencing everything that each day brings. For the most part, I am not prepared for what happens during my day. Emotions that occur, conversations that take place, people that I see. I used to hate surprises because I always wanted to be prepared. I hated the idea not knowing what was going to happen. However, what I used to hate about surprises is now what I love the most about everyday. I love the unknown, spontaneity, getting caught off guard because those moments, make my heart race and every so often, have the ability to really change my perspective and allow me to grow a little bit more.
Much love from the city! XO.
Lunch In Battery Park City
Every year I forget how AWESOME watermelon is! The first bite of the season is truly perfection.
A NYC gem. She's wonderful and about to enter another amazing chapter in her life. I am so proud of her!!!
My last class at TFR with Amanda Butler kicking my ass!
ABC Cocina is so great!
Disclaimer: There’s some language, some blunt things and I don’t want to offend my family or any one who is sensitive. In life and blogs, don't take things too seriously. :)
The phrase, "dating in New York City," brings up different emotions, stories and memories for each of us. I've heard funny stories, sad stories, unbelievable ones and on a rare occasion a really beautiful one. I would love to spend the next few minutes re-telling the most hilarious, awkward, crazy, unacceptable first dates I have encountered in this city. However, I like to think Karma is real and I am going to be respectful and save the tales for my book. :p
When I think of dating, I think, “Oh great,” and I mean that in a very cynical, sarcastic, somewhat positive, optimistic and negative sense. Dating is supposed to be fun right? Meet new people, have new conversations, learn how someone else views the world... it sounds fun in theory. I am always looking to meet amazing people who are fun to be around, who I can laugh with and go on food expeditions with. I am looking for a challenge and I know I am looking for someone who is up for the Kendra challenge. That said, and I know I am not alone when I say, I have been on some of the most bizarre first dates ever. I think I am pretty easy to talk to, and because of that men really talk to me! I get so much TMI I feel as if we're in a therapy session. FYI, I am not licensed, and even though I may look sympathetic to what these men are saying, inside I am freaking out and I am starring right through their eyes looking for an escape route.
Don't get me wrong, I have had some great dates (like two) and I have had some really peculiar dates (too many to say). Some last two seconds, enough to see them and runaway, some last five minutes enough time to shake hands and say listen, this isn't going to work (your online photos were taken 10 years ago and you’re in an outfit my Dad would wear- no offense Dad). Some last a couple hours, enough for a drink or two and a conversation that keeps me interested, but not enough to make me want to see them again, and regardless of the time frame, out of the number of dates I have been on, I have been on two dates in NYC where I wanted to see them again.
There were a few things that separated the second date worthy man from the first date dead end man. I got nervous when I saw them, my blood started flowing, my heart beat faster, I was excited, I smiled a lot, I laughed a lot, I had a good feeling, we were able to carry a conversation, connect intellectually, they did everything right (like pay for the check without hesitation) and most importantly we BOTH wanted to see each other again. This sort of thing is a two way street and is super rare. There were two people that I wanted to see again and one out of the two, evolved into a relationship. Although it wasn't meant to be and we eventually decided we were not on the same page, I gained a friendship so I can't say my dating experiences overall have been a total loss and failure.
Candidly speaking, I have met really interesting people and I think they're all special in their own ways. They will certainly be second date worthy to some other woman, but just never for me. Some of the men I would have loved being friends with, but being friends with the opposite sex at my age also seems like an impossible thing. I'd love to be able to have guy friends where we hang out and go out and have good time, but someone always has to fall in love!
I seem to have sent more, "I am not romantically interested in you texts," that I am starting to feel like a mean girl. Every date I have been on, they always ask to see me again. But I never feel it! It goes to show sometimes chemistry is one sided. I think even though I am pretty serious when I first meet people, I also smile and exude a certain energy that makes people feel comfortable. That's why I always wanted to be a journalist because I loved interviewing people and learning about them. I am good at that part! In most situations unless I feel threatened, I try and create a space of warmth and comfort for people when they're with me. I try and avoid awkward moments at all costs.
I want people to be their best versions when they're around me. That doesn't mean fake, because I like to see the emotional, dramatic, temper tantrum, negative in people too, because it allows me to understand them and lets me know they're real. I am simply saying that I want people to be honest with me like I am with them.
Maya Aneglou, who I often quote said, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I love this quote. It's like when someone tells me they don't want kids, they're emotionally unavailable, they don't want a serious relationship (aka just looking for sex), they just want to have fun (aka I’m dating several people), I know to stop, realize I am at a dead end, and walk in another direction. I don’t want someone who makes everything absolute and certain. I want someone who lives in possibility! It has taken me a while, to realize this, but now I know. Everyone serves a purpose in our lives because like I said in my "Chemistry" post, nothing in life is random.
I am grateful for the experiences I have encountered. I am learning, evolving and getting stronger. I am not going to settle and no one else should either! There are a few people out there we are all compatible with. It might not be forever, but I do have an optimistic feeling that I will eventually meet a true game changer.
I’ve been meeting people out, online (the worst!) and getting set up through friends. Although nothing has really clicked yet, that’s okay. Online dating deserves a blog all on its own, and not just a blog entry, but an entire blog dedicated to the outrageous behind the scenes of what we really go through! The weird creepy photos, the awful messages, the people who think you will message them back; it’s a comedy show!
There's this Ted Talks (video) where this woman, Amy Webb hacks the algorithm of online dating. (See transcript by clicking Ted Talks ). It's amazing. She literally found her husband this way, and what I liked about it was that when all her friends and family were telling her she’d find someone if she stopped being “so picky”, she researched and created her own system instead of compromising on her non-negotiables!
I don't like it when my friends tell me that I always go for pretty boys or that maybe I should date someone more "mediocre" because they're literally telling me I should settle. I will always encourage someone to strive for the best. And yes, I have some superficial requirements, but I KNOW men have them too. I realize some men are not into Asian women, or short girls and that’s okay. We all have a type or something we are attracted too. I think that’s totally fair! I am searching for a connection with someone beyond the physical aspects too, so don't get me wrong!
We are human! I figured, if I don't find my perfect tall, dark, handsome, successful male that must have the 20 adjectives that are deal breakers to me, so what! I will keep focusing on me, my career and adopt babies from around the world when I am ready. I don't need anybody. But for sure, I'd certainly like to find someone amazing to travel with and create something really cool with. In time, if it's meant to be, it will happen serendipitously, like all the things in my life have.
I don't think I am crazy for knowing what I want, and I think it's actually amazing that I know what I want because for a while I didn't know. Two years ago after my first date with my ex, I called my best friend excited for the first time in a while. I told her, "I really like this guy, but I have a feeling he's going to break my heart."
She laughed and said, "Just make sure you know what you want."
I replied, "I don't know what I want."
She said, "This is the boy whose going to teach you what you want!" Whoa was she right! I have learned so much over the past couple of years and even in the past couple of months, I have really solidified a lot about my goals and what I am looking for in someone.
Being single has given me time to date myself, spoil myself and love myself. “If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?” I think everything starts with self-love and a strong foundation. I am not looking for someone who makes me happy. I am looking for someone who makes me happier. Someone who makes me a better person and pushes me and challenges me to be the best I can possibly be!
First dates are the first steps in figuring this all out. Typically after an exchange of phone numbers, I will text with these men to get a better sense if they’re worth my time. The few online people who get the secret code (my phone number) must send me updated “prove you’re not a catfish” photo before I agree to meet them. A lot of these conversations are a dead end, because they put so little effort in texting, which takes no effort at all, and I don’t do lazy. I prefer someone who’s going to be a gentleman and take care of stuff. My thought process is that I take care of things all day long; I want someone who wants to take care of me! I don’t babysit men, I’m over the “man child” and I am ready for someone who is accountable and awesome!
They have to pass the height, good job, good family, initial attraction test before I’ll meet them. Honestly, as more of these dates fail, I get a little harsher with the testing. My time is valuable and so is theirs, and I am getting really good at keeping things efficient!
On a first date, or even first impression, I am sure I come off as serious. My friends here have this joke about meeting me for the first time and being scared of me. My bestie here said, "You have this stand offish demeanor, look on your face kind of like, "don't fuck with me." I don't think it's all the way true, but I can't necessarily deny it.
I am guarded for sure and it takes a while for me to open up completely to someone. I am like that in friendships, workships and relationships. I am in protection mode at all times, and until I trust you, my walls stay up. Thank you to those beautiful people in my life who saw past my impossible iron Kendra made gate, and my intimidating seriousness, which of course isn’t really who I am, it’s just the outer layer. For each friend I have made in this city, you all saw something in me and likewise. We connected and felt a pull and we explored it and became great friends! Sometimes men will see something in me that they want to explore and sometimes I meet someone who peaks my interest and I want to know. Sometimes I am interested in someone, who is not interested in me so the pickiness goes both ways. First impressions are everything, but not necessarily absolute!
When we first meet people we are judging them and rightfully so! There's literally a chemical reaction happening in our brains letting us know if there’s anything signaling YES! For me personally these things surface within the first five seconds of a date, and it really takes one look to access if it's going anywhere. As crazy as that sounds, you just know. So first dates, obviously I check to see if I am attracted to them. If I am not, that's a runaway situation. If it’s an online date meet and greet I am checking to see how accurate their profile pictures were and I am checking to see if they're good in shape. AKA, how bad did this person lie on ok cupid? I try and meet online dates immediately because I am not wasting time texting someone who is totally weird in person. People are not always as they seem, in fact they almost never are. Geez. I wonder if men think the same thing about me. Are they pleasantly surprised when they meet me or disappointed? I guess, when they ask for that never going to happen second date, I know it was pleasant for them. Ha.
When I meet someone (first date or just out and about) I always question the attraction levels, seeing if there’s chemistry, personality characteristics that come through immediately, I look at what shoes are they wearing, I check to see if they bite their nails, have long nails (disgusting) or have any other weird ticks or habits, I look to see if they have nice hands, if they are dressed well, if can I stand their voice. I read their body language, I watch their eyes and see if they can hold eye contact, that helps me determine their confidence levels, I listen an exorbitant amount and let them tell me about them, so I can pick up on red flags (brings up the “ex-girl friend,” club rats, alcoholics, drug addicts, selfish pricks, etc).
A lot of judgments on both sides surface, and to some I might sound like a crazy person for all the judging, but we are all doing it. It's okay that I want someone who wants to hold the door open for me, a man who gladly picks up the check because he is financially stable and because he wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s okay I desire a gentleman! Not because I expect it, but because I want someone who wants to do those small gestures. I can tell a lot about a person based on their shoes, and sometimes the shoes are a deal breaker. Cargo shorts freak me out and American Eagle T-shirts on a 35-year-old bothers me. It doesn’t mean the person is awful, it means they’d have to have the most incredible personality for me to get past all of that materialistic non-sense. It’s like me showing up in booty shorts and a crop top with a tattoo on my hip. I am not a brand person, I in fact shop EVERYWHERE and I shop for items that don’t have an embroidered emblem on them because I don’t think it matters. I prefer to be neutral and appreciate a man who has style. Nothing wrong with that!
My mom told me that I could potentially pass up on a great guy because he wasn’t 6’0 or taller. I laughed and thought, “Well, yeah I actually am shutting out a lot of potential men.” I know a lot of men who won’t date a short girl, and that’s okay. I get it. I am subconsciously looking for a partner to potentially create babies with one day, and I can’t help that I am trying to subconsciously have taller kids. LoL. Who knows? And things change. I will change my mind about some of these things, no doubt. Some things I won’t budge on (like must have good job, workout, must have hair, must be educated and smart, must have great skin, etc).
This all being said, second dates just don't really happen. Possibly because I am picky, I have high standards, I am too shut off at first, or they’re just weird! I was hanging out with a group of friends a couple weeks ago and most of us were single in the room, and we all agreed that we all found it hard to meet great people in the city. Six young attractive professionals all found dating impossible! You would think with the millions walking around here that we'd meet more great people, but the truth is, it's very hard to connect with someone emotionally and physically that you want to date more than once and they too feel the same way.
I think it’s apparent I am a little frustrated with the lack of connection I seem to be having, but at the same time, I am learning so much about myself that every day I get a little more comfortable with “single.” I feel very firm about the boundaries I have set for myself, the deal breakers, the rules (that are meant to be broken, under the right circumstances) and the confidence I have in myself now. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone and I just need to keep living my life. People tell me, love happens when you least expect it. That’s a really great saying and all and I think I have actually told this to people once upon time (sorry), but in truth, things don’t just happen to us. It’s about timing. Being at the right place at the right time and staying in action. I am in constant action and always on the go and I am realistic enough to know that some guy isn’t going to just sweep me off my feet one day. I have had some really strange things happen to me in regards to timing over the past few weeks, where I thought the universe was trying to tell me something profound.
For instance, I was on a date with one guy. We had planned to get a coffee, but the coffee shop was too crowded on this beautiful Saturday. I had thought about going for a walk in the park close by, but decided I wanted to sit and have a tea. We went to this tea place on the corner near Un. Sq and life chatted. I knew when I first saw him it was never going anywhere, but I was down to have a conversation and meet a former professional athlete who I could potentially learn something from. My online profile did say that I was only interested in “new friends” so by him assuming otherwise was his projection, not mine. We ended up having a really amazing conversation about the world, the laws of attraction and fitness related things. I even brought up the topic about how hard it was to find what I was looking for in the city. He asked me if I knew what I was looking for, and I said yes.
At that moment, I started thinking about this guy (Let’s call him Z) who I had met months back, very organically outside my office on a random Fall day (really cute story actually) and then re- connected somewhat inorganically, but serendipitously shortly after my break up.
I had seen Z a couple times and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was someone I was really attracted to, (a second date not impossible), someone who danced circles in my head, someone who had potential and that I was interested in knowing more about. However, I knew he was kind of this player, serial dater and didn’t really care because he wasn't trying hard enough to see me and spend time with me. As I am thinking about him, the guy I was having tea with brings me back to reality, and with such certainty says, “Finding what you want is not hard at all.”
I looked at him in disbelief.
He said, “Look outside and tell me everything you see that is blue.” I looked. I pointed out the signs, the clothes, people’s shoes, the buildings with blue tiles, the storefronts and lastly, the clear blue sky.
He said, “See how easy that was? You didn’t see blue before because you weren’t looking for it, and when you looked for it, you found it immediately. The thing with the law of attraction isn’t just about finding what you want; it’s about being the person the other person is looking for too.”
I sat there in silence for a solid 10 seconds and processed everything he said. I started thinking about this Z who I really wanted to get to know and how it wasn't working out, how I would have liked to have spent a beautiful Saturday with him (instead of the current date I was on), having a meaningful conversation people watching. Z had everything that I was looking for in someone, yet lacked the emotional connection I needed (deal breaker), and as I am thinking about Z, as if I am willing him in my life at that very moment, he walks by.
I mean seriously??? Out of all the streets in this city, the time of day, the fact I was literally thinking about him and he passes by? What are the chances??? It was so surreal and it made a huge impression on me because this was the second time where I crossed paths with someone in NYC. It's not as big as we think!
This all happened so fast and Z and I made eye contact. He smiled something ridiculous and he continued to walk by with another girl by his side. He was on a date with someone, as I was too and I sat there for another 10 seconds in silence feeling like someone just punched me in my stomach. From that moment on I was on a totally different planet. I couldn't tell you what the rest of my date was like, what we talked about or how we parted. I was 100% not present and I felt like the universe was shaking me up and throwing me in space with nothing for me to grab onto. I felt out of control.
I thought about that moment all night, and perhaps for days after, actually, I am obviously still thinking about it. For some reason it really hit me hard because I thought that it meant something profound? I don’t know. I think over time, what I realized was the universe was telling me that by seeing him on a date with someone else (my projections were right) and by me being on a date at the same time (me of course wanting to be with Z, and Z not wanting to be with me) that because Z and I were NOT on a date with each other, we weren't meant to be. We were two different fonts trying to be on the same page of a book, two different vibrations, and in the grand scheme, a potential amazing love story, just wasn't going to pan out. I guess it’s a let down feeling or disappointment. A temper tantrum for a 20- something-year-old female who didn't get what she wanted.
I feel sometimes we connect with people who we’ve crossed paths with in a previous life, or maybe in another life we will know each other. Bonding with people is a really beautiful thing. I will always value meaningful connections I have with people and I think connecting with Z and then not being to explore it, through me off. I am the kind of girl who gets what she wants, and Z was something I thought I wanted but couldn't really ever get a grip on or understand. Hindsight, it was never me, it was always him and his blocks, and through the experience that’s what I discovered.
I think for a few reasons, I will remember this Z, not just as a date story, but also because of what I learned while knowing him. He’s not a mediocre anybody that didn't mean anything. He actually helped me heal in a few different ways and connecting with someone again after a breakup made a very big impact on how I viewed connection and men. I created a new goal for myself and it was to stop saying negative things about my body and men. I’m not fat, I work incredibly hard on my body and I needed to stop beating myself up. I also kept saying I hated men, when in reality I love them and think they’re such a beautiful thing that balance out us female madness. “What we think, we become,” so I decided that if I kept saying men were shitty and the worst, I would meet shitty and the worst. Changing how I think about things has made such a big difference in the past two weeks. I feel stronger and better than ever.
Needless to say, dating is insane and I do it because I am looking for someone great. It’s definitely not my top priority like it was two months ago, because rushing into something was never a good idea and I would like to continue to take the time and enjoy right now and enjoy myself. I work out a lot, I eat whatever I want, I go sit and read at the park and lay out, I make dinner plans and lunch plans with amazing women, I make time to blog and research for my business model, I shop (way more than I should) and I walk around with no intention, listen to music and drift into another world. Taking that trip to Costa Rica was such a powerful experience, that I want to travel all the time. I am planning on going to Thailand and Croatia and even if it means I go solo, l will carry on happily!!
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style” ― Maya Angelou
Much love from this second date impossible city. XO
Wow, it's Friday already? That makes me sad. Time doesn't even exist here and it flew by. Yesterday, I went to the pool in the morning to see Omar who is the waiter who is so sweet and accommodating. He says, "babyeee, what do you need?!?" Hahaha. I love pet names. Mammi, babyee, love, darling, they're all just adorable. He always brings me a towel and talks Spanish to me and brings me weird martinis. LoL He's the best!
I had quite the Thursday night. Mr. Lon came with us to the photo shoot. I was able to help Jim with some yoga photos for his retreats and in return Jim took photos for me. I haven't seen all of them, but I am sure there are a few good ones. The beach was so beautiful and the sunset was amazing. Afterwards we went to the bar we tried going to a few nights ago for ceviche. It was very yummy! I had my vodka soda (heavy soda) and then three chili shots that were awful, but good and I kind of liked it. Haha. Obviously.
I wanted to take them out to dinner and so we went to an Italian spot across from Jim's house. I felt sick almost immediately, and could barely eat. Shots are never a good thing for me, or anyone for that matter! And then I had to spend the main course pacing the patio to keep from vomiting. Haha. After attempting to pay for the check that said 41,345 and adding a tip and converting, I left it up to the server to figure it out. Hoping for the best with that situation! Haha. Jim walked me home because I needed to move and breathe fresh air, and I spent my night throwing up and went to bed immediately after and slept for 10 hours! Vacation is not complete with out a train wreck night! Haha. I can't keep up with these guys!
I woke up today and ate two huge bowls of cereal because I was hungry from my empty stomach! I sat on the patio and checked the news and IG and then walked into town on the main strip to get a massage. It was like a nail salon type deal, but the massage was so amazing! At first it was painful and then after me saying ouch too many times and me saying softer, she finally understood. She didn't speak any English, but I guess there's some kind of universal language or body language for pain! Haha!
It was so great and she worked my shoulders which needed it the most! I walked home after that and got talked into fresh coco water on the street. It was $2 usd, and I had exactly that. It was perfect hydration after the massage and I walked home and grabbed my things and headed straight to the pool! Omar greeted me and we attempted to have a Spanish English conversation :). I just smiled and kept talking in English and he did the same in Spanish and we somehow had the best conversation! I really want to learn Spanish. I think I want to move down here sometime. SOMETIME (that's broad, don't panic).
I laid out all day. For lunch, I ate a yummy salad, burger and chocolate cake for dessert! Omar couldn't believe how much I ordered and ate! Jim and Mr. Lon also can't believe how much I can eat even though they see me do it. Haha. My mom reminded me that I have always been like that, and she told me she doesn't get it either! "Where do you put it all?" Haha! I workout a lot?!?! But I also just love to eat good food! I think I was supposed to be Buddha. Sigh.
The manager offered me a shot of whatever I liked, and the idea of liquor made me want to gag, but I couldn't refuse (no seriously, he wouldn't let me), so I took a shot of whiskey. I think it was whiskey. It was a brand I have never heard of. I tried taking just half, but he saw there was some left in the ice shot glass and dumped the rest in my Americano. Ha so much for being sneaky!
After lunch, I listened to music, swam and texted with friends and my mom. I headed back to the house about 4 and Jim told me some people were coming over for happy hour. Leslie came over and Mr. Lon and we sat outside and watched the sunset, it was glorious. Leslie is so sweet and I adored talking with her! The NBA playoffs were on so Jim stuck around and watched the game while Leslie and Mr. Lon and I went back to the Italian place. I ordered some beef thing and a side of pasta. So full! Leslie couldn't believe how much I could eat. Haha. Sigh!!!!
I came back and iced my black eye (allergies apparently give you black eyes now). Fml. I am going to the doctor as soon as I get back. I am going to read and take it easy. I want to wake up early and go on a run, possibly eat breakfast and then lay out for a couple hours before getting ready for the airport. My last few hours of sun makes me sad. I'll never be this brown. NYC... The nature of the beast. Sigh.
Can you tell I'm sad to leave? Haha. I will miss this place so much. I will definitely be back if Jim doesn't hate me by now! I am so grateful I had this opportunity and I thank Katrine for the connection and Jim for taking the chance and being so hospitable and letting a stranger stay with him! He's an amazing addition to "my people" or as most people call it, family.
I am so happy and proud that I took an entire week just for me. I did something new, met so many great people, experienced so many things outside my comfort zone and without a doubt, I evolved. The growth from this experience was priceless and I am forever changed, more at peace and happy!
I am taking so much love and happiness back with me. Jim and I had many heart to hearts and life chats and one thing that sticks out is he told me that I needed to just date myself. Instead of worrying about boys and the messes they are, that I should focus on me and love Myself. Nothing in life is random, so when I meet someone amazing, I'll know and it will all make sense. Law of attraction right? :) He told me not worry and that I will be okay in life no matter what. Me worry? Never ;-)
I love you Costa Rica and I think everyone should experience this gem! I hope you want to go visit now, and will come with me on my next adventure. People told me when all is said and done, that this was going to be a great experience for me. I never disagreed, and I also wasn't sure what to expect because I didn't know. Now that I did this all by myself, checked off another thing from my goal list (go to Costa Rica), accomplished something that was important to me (travel solo and be okay with being alone)... I think this was the most memorable and influential travel experience of my life. Perhaps it is overall one of the best experiences of my life.
I know there will be many more experiences that will change me, and when all is said and done, I'll look back and smile with admiration and gratitude.
"It's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
Much love from the most special place!
Wednesdays are usually the day of the week that we all think, only two more to go! Time really does fly so fast, and wishing it away doesn't seem right, but there's nothing wrong with looking forward to the weekend!
Today is another relaxing amazing beautiful day in Neverland. I woke up at 6, and laid in bed and chatted with friends, read the news and read a few pages of my book. I finally got out of bed around 8 and made some coffee and breakfast in a quiet house, opened the doors and windows and enjoyed the peace and quiet. Jim came out and informed me I had a massage in 30 minutes and I squealed with excitement because that's exactly what I needed!
I found a spa zen playlist on spotify and set the mood on the patio. The massage was very relaxing! I needed a little more agressive hand however, because I'm a New Yorker and my shoulders are solid rocks. Maybe I'll try again on Friday. :) #champagneproblems. She was very inexpensive and I tipped her a lot because she was nice enough to come to the house.
I decided to walk down to the pool and beach club and get my fish on. I don't love swimming in the ocean, so I came to a little mini paradise with clean salt water and enjoyed the sandless environment as well.
I had a lions worth of lunch and orderd every possible course. I spent way to much money for one meal, but it was non-regrettable! I laid out a lot more and debated if I was going to be lobster red or Costa Rican brown for my photo shoot tomorrow. #yolo
While at the pool and taking selfies (Don't judge me), the manager of the beach club walked over and asked me if he wanted me to take my photo. I said, thank you and hopped in the pool. I said aloud, "Try not to get my Buddha belly," becuase I had just eaten an 11 course lunch. And this southern accent from across the pool said, "oh you do not have a Buddha belly!" I laughed and got my photo taken and then I started chatting w this woman because she had a Carolina accent which I adore, and found out she had just moved to CR. I was excited for her adventure and told her she needed to meet my friend Jim! She gave me her email and parted after an hour or so, and I continued to do nonsense around the pool. Dive in, lay out, sweat, text and repeat.
I went home around 4 and showered and got ready for I don't know what and Jim asked if I wanted to take a walk. We did and that's when I fell in love with two little nummy puppy bears! I picked them up and had sand all over my face and body down my romper and in my hair, but I loved holding those precious furry babies so it was worth it.
We made our way to the beach club where it was kind of busy from happy hour and we ordered drinks. We run into Leslie, the lady from the pool. She had her friend Laurel with her and I introduce Jim and we all sit and talk for a bit. I was a little distracted from the sunset and wondering mind, but I also listened to their convo. We learn more about Leslie and Laurels friendship and their individual stories and that Leslie had liver failure. She had just moved here based on some Internet research and was totally winging it. How brave!!! I admired her sense of adventure and her willingness to take a chance and be open to something new. There should never be an excuse.
Jim being the amazing person he is invited them over for a mango drink because Laurel had never tasted mango before! (What!!!!) and because he's so hospitable and loves bringing people together. He is a saint!
We walk home in the dark. I'm barefoot and secretly screaming inside because my precious NY feet are too sensitive for this Tom Sawyer lifestyle. Laurel offered me a Flip flop, and I declined and told her I could stick it out. They come inside and Jim makes us mango martinis and we sit outside and end up having the best conversations! Jim left at one point to pick up Mr. Lon (see photo and caption), and so I had two women all to myself to talk on my vibration! We talked about evil, adoption, families, marriage, babies, life, love, sex and of course religion. It was amazing to debate our beliefs and get advice from two women in their 50's who have had children, grandchildren, marriages, and divorces. Their perspective on life and love was interesting and I enjoyed talking about everything!!. We drank more and I was supposed to order pizza, but could not focus enough to make the call and when Jim and Mr. Lon returned, Jim started pulling together left overs and made us all dinner! Such a lovely man,
We have great debates about moral, human nature, nurture vs. nature, sex, life and love. All my favorite things to discuss in life and I genuinely had the best time! Here I am 27 and everyone 51-80 years old and we all have this great connection and adoration for one another. It was such a great experience.
When everyone leaves, Jim says, in a serious voice, "I want you to think about what you did tonight and lets and talk about it." I am thinking, "oh shit, I did something to upset him."
I start naming off everything I did that might have been interpreted as shitty. Of course I think about the negative first. I suggest that I drank too much, that I forgot to order pizza, that maybe I was aggressive in my introductions. He was like, "noooo." And then explained to me how proud he was of me. He was like, because of you those two women, one of which is dying, had an amazing night! Had you not have come here by yourself, had you have been closed off by the pool, had you decided not to come here because you were scared, you wouldn't have met those women, you wouldn't have introduced us at the beach club, and they would have missed out on ever knowing you and having a blast! He was like,
Leslie now has someone to help her with anything she needs help with while she's here and I made another friend. She has friends in a new place, that hours before probably felt alone! He was like, that's super cool that you did that and I'm so proud of you.
I got teary-eyed on top of my watery allergic eyes, and felt this huge rush of gratitude and momentum. He was right and my theory that nothing in life is random was reaffirmed. I chose to go to the beach club this morning, eat like a lion, go back to the pool with my Buddha belly despite the fact I should have gone home! I chose to start a conversation with a women with a southern accent and ask questions and our paths crossed later that very same day because it was meant to happen! Jim asked, "If you had brought your boyfriend, would you have talked to her, would any of this had happened?" I said, "no." He said, "That's pretty cool that you just changed someone's life."
Wow. When you think of it that way... Life is so beautiful and strategic and this was one of those experiences/ life lessons that I will never forget. Thank you Jim, Leslie, Mr. Lon and Laurel for teaching me that opening up, talking chances, communicating, living in the moment and being brave, makes life worth living. It makes hump days, in my book, one of the best days of the week.
Good morning. I had such a funny silly night at dinner and slept like a baby. I've been trying to wake up early so I don't get that far off my NYC schedule.
CR is two hours behind, so when I wake up naturally at 6:05 it's really 8:05 and I feel disoriented. Haha.
I have a big adventure today. I am going zip lining. I am going solo, but will make some friends on the tour or so I hope. Last night Jim pointed out how much he sees me differently after spending more time with me. He said he knew I would be great bc Katrine had told him so, and when he first met me I was guarded and almost shy. And then the next day I opened up a little and let my guard down, and then by the third day, I was funny and open and really showed him who I was and all that I had to offer to people. I think I was offended at first, but then I realized that was he right. I am so guarded and it takes time and trust for my vulnerability to appear which allows me to put my guard down, be comfortable, be silly and funny and be me. :)
I will work on being less intimidating and more friendly and open. He said, he thinks I am very observant, logical and thoughtful in my responses and when I speak. And the more time he spends with me, the more comfortable I get, the less analytical I became and the more free I become in my thoughts, words and actions. :) Feedback is a beautiful thing.
Jim is dropping me off at "school" in a little bit (aka I am walking 2 min from the front gate) and I'll be away for the day smiling in the jungle, while he works and takes care of business! I am so excited and feel like a kid on the first day of school again!
It's so hot here. I sweat all day. No one else is sweating and it's because they are used to it. It's probably why I haven't felt the need to excersize. I detox more from sitting in the shade than a soul class! Haha. #sohot #95degrees.
I am make up free and that is liberating. I look and feel like a 12 year old. It's great.
I just returned from the canopy tour and it was absolutely glorious! I did the extreme tour and regular zip line tour and it was so much fun I can't stop smiling.
First of all, I chose to the extreme first, why not right? I was totally fearless. I had the tour guides all to myself and I had a cougar crush on a James Franco smiling tica who kind of stole my heart (or what's there anyway) and he was so sweet and nice and the guys all made me feel super comfortable. I wasn't scared because I trusted them and just went with the flow. The extreme tour was superman style zip lining, repelling down a tree and then a drop swing (which I wasn't aware of until I was let loose). It was soooo much fun and after when I did the regular zip line (for the boring! Haha jk), I wished I had just done the extreme twice. I lost my stomach, got super nervous and shaky from adrenaline and it was so worth it times 20!!!
When I was dropped from one line and let go to swing, I'm pretty sure the fbomb flew out of mouth and I pretty much held onto that word. Maybe it's me safe word. Haha. I was talked into going upside down and letting my hands go, and swinging upside down was me letting my guard down and exploring fearless bahvior. I love this new me! Less cautious, more in tune, so alive and so free. I am so happy right now!
I will post the video and photos once I have computer access and my screams and smiles will hopefully make you laugh a little. On the regular zip line tour there were way more people, and because I always volhnteered to go first, I got more super man time in, got to go upside down and the guys all loved my fearless "lets fkn die" mentality! I love this place so much.
Mondays are always this crazy day for me. It's my busiest day at work, it flies by and I usually can't wait to go home and sleep. Today, however, is the first Monday in over a year where I did absolutely nothing. And trust me, I am almost never lazy. Today has been amazing. Tomorrow will be even better. This was such a grand idea to come here and I am so happy I did it.
This is the amazing Jim. He's pretty much by new BFF! We ate dinner at a local spot and he loved that I wanted to sit at the bar! (I prefer it nowadays bc if I go out alone, which is a lot, the bar is a great way to meet people). We had another great life conversation and then made friends with people sitting beside us. He made friends with the owner of the restaurant, I made small talk with a compulsive liar who told me he had 56 employees, a full-time chef that he paid $20,000 a month to have at his call (I was thinking, "geezus, does the chef do sexual favors too?"), he told me his body guards were off for the night because it was a quiet night in CR and the bar tenders there would protect him. He told me he had 11 properties all over CR just for him!!! He was crazy! He also said he inherited all of his money from saving a doctors life, and that he was getting more money tomorrow (the doctor was still alive with kids). Wtf! What a funny story! I was thinking the whole time he was talking, did he really think that would impress me? I told him I worked in finance but that didn't mean he needed to start talking ludicrous numbers like it meant something to me! He was ugly and gross and didn't have a chance, but for some reason needed to keep talking big like I would suddenly become a gullible gold digger who wanted to just be taken care of. Haha. I take care of myself dude! Because, I'm a little weird and I love to feed fire, I let him continue his shannanginas so that I would have a good story to tell later! Jim was mad I didn't nudge his arm to listen in on the convo so he too could feed the fire! Hahahaha! So funny.
We went to playas panama today where he will do his yoga retreats. He showed me around the property and it will be such an amazing retreat! It's a public beach as well, as private beaches here do not exist, and locals just hang out and make food and sell it. He put our lunch order in before walking around the beach. Ohhhh boy!